Empathy.
The ability to understand, share, and vicariously experience the emotions, thoughts, and perspectives of another person.
Until a few years ago, I thought I knew what empathy was. I thought I was good at it. Then I realized something different. I was terrible at putting myself in other people’s shoes, i.e., empathy. I could assume or hope I would do something if I was in a certain position, but until I went through it I had no idea what I would do or what another person was going through.
It wasn’t until I was in the middle of a situation that I had always thought I knew how I would handle that I started putting myself in other people’s shoes. I had a miscarriage and then found out it was going to be almost impossible for my husband and me to conceive a child. Our best worst choice was IVF with donor eggs. Even if we had the money, I couldn’t do it. Our other choice was adoption. I had always said I would adopt if there was some far off chance I couldn’t have kids. Yet when in that position, it was something I knew God didn’t want me and Eric to do. We didn’t want to do it either. We’d had such an up and down emotional time trying to get something we didn’t have, we couldn’t do it anymore. We just wanted to focus on what we had.
Growing up, I thought I had all the answers to those situations even though I’d never faced anything like them. I’d always focused on the pat Christianese answers you hear all the time. So when faced with one when those answers didn’t work, I prayed and started putting myself in other people’s shoes. A good friend of mine had a miscarriage. Rather than telling her I was praying for her, I was just there for her and told her it was okay to be angry. It was okay to feel all the feelings that come with a loss like a miscarriage. To feel how the grief is different and to not want to try anymore. In fact, it’s important to feel all those feelings. If you don’t, you push them away, and it will hurt you in the long term.
I had other friends who had gone through infertility struggles, and we just talked about how much they hurt and how hard it was to keep trying. We also talked about how hard Mothers’ Day can be and what we would do to distract us from it. Being empathetic with them helped me a lot.
After that, I started applying empathy in other parts of my life. What about people who had lost everything? Or victims of sexual abuse, sexual assault, and rape. I’d never experienced any of those things, but if I had what would I need or do? I wouldn’t want a man or woman who had no idea what I was going through making decisions for me. I wouldn’t want Christians or members of a church telling me to pray more or that I had put myself in a position for it to happen or even just telling me to move on and act like it didn’t happen. I’d want someone to listen to me and not judge me. I’d really want someone to just be there for me.
What about people who weren’t well off financially or victims of severe poverty? It’s not my job to tell them what they should have done to not be in that position or supporting taking away the resources they needed.
In Matthew 25:31-46, Jesus tells the parable of the sheep and the goats. A parable is a short, simple story used to show a moral or spiritual lesson. In this one, Jesus uses how shepherds would separate the sheep and the goats to how God would separate believers and non-believers when He returned in Glory and sets up His eternal kingdom, i.e., this is the event that all Christians live for. It’s the end all/be all for us.
At that time, “the King (God) will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You as a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? And when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of Mine, you did it for Me,’. (verses 34-40).
In these verses, I believe Jesus is saying Christians – His followers – should help people who need it. They should feed those who are hungry, invite strangers in, give those who are thirsty something to drink, give clothes to the naked, visit people in prison. Those are all situations where people most likely made some poor choices and are living with the consequences of them. So what? Jesus isn’t saying we should tell them to do better, show them what they did wrong, or just pray for them. To put it simply, He is saying we should help those who need it and be there for them. I think that describes empathy or rather being empathetic drives those actions.
We know that this is important to Him because he goes on in verses 41-46 and says “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, you accursed people, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or as a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it for one of the least of these, you did not do it for Me, either.’ These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
So, why is it so hard for us (Christians) to do this? Why do we focus on arguing about who is right or who is wrong or focusing on how or what people should do differently? Why aren’t we out helping the poor, feeding the hungry, visiting with those who are alone, or helping anyone who needs it? Also, why are we not supporting people, programs, or organizations that do this? Why are we so focused on how we think everyone should be acting or living?
I don’t know how to fix this, but I know what I can do. I can start feeding the hungry, being with those who are alone, helping the poor, or just being a fruitful member of my community no matter who the person is who needs help.
After all, that’s what Jesus wants me to do.
Glimpses from the Other Side 