Forgiven, not supported

Vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance’s infamous “childless cat lady” comments and rebuttal came almost two months ago. Since then, it’s been hard to put into words my feelings because his statements struck a nerve. Hard. I would have an idea in my head, go to write it down, and draw a blank. Not now though.

To recap, a 2021 interview between Vance and then Fox News commentator Tucker Carlson resurfaced after Vance was announced as the Republican party’s 2024 candidate for vice president.

During said interview Vance said:

We’re effectively run in this country via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs, by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made. And so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too. And it’s just a basic fact.

You look at Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg, [Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]. The entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children. And how does it make any sense that we’ve turned our country over to people who don’t really have a direct stake in it? I just wanted to ask that question and propose that maybe if we want a healthy ruling class in this country, we should invest more, we should vote more.

We should support more people who actually have kids, because those are the people who ultimately have a more direct stake in the future of this country.

Since then, Vance has defended his comments by saying on Megyn Kelly’s show that they were “sarcastic,” and he was not criticizing people who don’t have children. Rather he was criticizing the Democratic Party for being “anti-family and anti-child.”

Then his wife, Usha Vance, stepped in and said what her husband said was a “quip” and that what he actually meant was “that it can be really hard to be a parent in this country. And sometimes our policies are designed in a way that makes it even harder.”

I call B.S.

His comments belittle anyone who has had a difficult time conceiving a child, was never able to have children, or made a decision different than his about what their family would look like. 

I never thought I would be someone who could be considered a “childless cat lady” by a person who I have never met, doesn’t know my situation or appear to care about it, and has the potential to make decisions that affect the lives of millions of people.

When my husband and I went through our fertility struggles and found out how hard it would be to have children, it was heartbreaking. For me, it was even more heartbreaking because the “problems” were with me, and it looked like they had unknowingly been a part of me since I was born. 

Our only slim hope of having a child was through IVF. We chose not to do that because it costs so much money. We thought about adopting, but ultimately decided it wasn’t for us. We’d had so many big decisions and heartbreaks in the past few years that we wanted to focus on what we had. We prayed about it, and believed (and continue to believe) that it was what God wanted us to do. 

So we focused on us, our dogs, and our extended family. We embraced becoming the cool aunt and uncle to our nieces and nephews. 

A few years later, we moved in with my in-laws to help them raise their granddaughter, our niece, because her mom, my sister-in-law, had died unexpectedly. We became a family. Albeit, one that is not “normal,” but we are still a family that God brought together. 

But guess what?! According to Vance, my husband and I still don’t have a direct stake in our country. Even though we have family members who we love and support and who are the future of this country, we don’t have a stake in it. 

Basically, we are “less than.”

Like I said before, B.S.

I know Vance tried to defend or explain his comments as being “sarcastic,” but I don’t buy that either. I think he tried to walk them back but still meant them.

Sarcastic is defined as “marked by or given to using irony in order to mock or convey contempt.” To me that says there is truth behind sarcastic statements. So yeah, Vance knew and meant exactly what he said. 

The same applies for his wife’s defense of his statement. If her husband had meant that being a parent was hard then he would have said that. If it had meant anything other than to degrade women who don’t have children, then that’s what he would have said. 

I cannot support someone who thinks this way about me, how I live my life, and the way God made me. 

When God knit me together in my mother’s womb, He did so without giving me the ability to have children. He created me to be the cool aunt, the wife of Eric Goodyear, and the “mom” to Beau and Rockie. 

Vance is Catholic and says he believes in God. To be called this by a “fellow believer” hurts even more.

I hope when Vance’s children are old enough to start their own families, they aren’t faced with the struggles I and one in every eight women have. Those struggles are heartbreaking, and you never really get over them. You move through them for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. 

I also hope that they have leaders who take the time to know and care about their lives, no matter the decisions they make. 

So, J.D. Vance, I forgive you for the hurt you caused me, but I cannot and will not support you.