Cornerstone

It’s no secret that the last few years have been difficult ones. Physically, emotionally, spiritually – you name it. It’s been hard. All the beliefs I’ve held since childhood have been challenged, shaken up, and some have even changed. The safe place– church– I would go to for help, encouragement, and fellowship, turned into something elitist and ugly. 

But through it all, the Person behind it all remained the same. He was still the same when everything else, including me, had changed. 

Toward the end of 2019, I found out I couldn’t have children. I’d been pregnant, had a miscarriage, told by numerous people to keep trying and that I should be encouraged because at least I was able to get pregnant. 

All that “encouragement” went away when the doctor told me and my husband the truth about our chances to conceive a child. The encouragement then changed to you can always adopt. Someone from church even told me she was sure we would get a baby when we least expected it. (Note: Never tell that to someone who just told you they can’t have kids). When we decided adoption wasn’t for us, everyone then said, “Oh,” and changed the subject. 

We also had to deal with someone at church talking about how mad she was at God because she just found out she was pregnant with baby #3. Apparently she had wanted to adopt and couldn’t because she had her own children. (Also, if you don’t want to get pregnant, there are things you can do to prevent it that have nothing to do with God). It was hard to hear her say those things especially when people we thought were friends seemed to support her and forget about us. They checked in to see how she was doing constantly but never asked us how we were. When my sister-in-law died unexpectedly, all one person said was, “I’m sorry for your loss,” and then moved onto something else.

These interactions shook me and my husband to the core, and we checked out of church. For me, it was really hard. I’d grown up in church and been a part of it all over the country and even out of the country. It was my safe place, and now it was the opposite. I couldn’t go there for support because when I tried to get help, I was either ignored or told to pray more. Or this is God’s Will. Or God has a reason for it. All of those are true statements, but none of them told me how to deal with the hurt and the pain of what I was going through. All they are were trite little sayings that Christians tend to spout out when something happens that they can’t explain. 

I needed someone to walk with me and Eric through our grief. The church failed us with that. 

I wish I had been told that life is hard, what you’re going through is hard, and we can’t explain why it happened to you. But we’re here for you with whatever you need. 

In the midst of all the negative, I still had my faith even though it was shaken. I kept praying for God to show me something. And finally He did. 

On my drive to work one day, I was listening to the radio. I can’t remember what exactly was playing, but I heard Him tell me that it will seem like He betrayed me. But He didn’t. People betrayed me. Not Him. His words were still true, but theirs were not. 

I broke down, cried, and made a decision. From that point on, I was going to focus on the words of Jesus. I was also going to look at the good things in my life because I know them come from Him. I know Jesus loves me. How? Because with all the difficulties of infertility, miscarriage, etc., Eric and I are still married. We’ve had to work for it, and it wasn’t easy. But we are still together and going strong. 

I’m also still alive. The doctor told me she was surprised my miscarriage hadn’t resulted in a tubal pregnancy because I was at such a high risk for one. 

A few weeks ago, I was driving and listening to some music to pass the time. Once again, God used a song to show His love for me. It didn’t give me all the answers to all the questions I’ve asked in the last few years or even answer why I went through everything. But it did show me how He’s still working in my life, and it’s a ray of sunshine in the dark storm clouds of life.

“Cornerstone” 

By TobyMac

Ready, man? OK

Lookin’ out my window, feelin’ the crescendo

Sunset on a quiet sea

Sitting with the ones that I’ll forever love

We’re waitin’ on a flash of green

And even when the nights got cold

You have always held me close

You’re the only rock that I could ever stand on

You’re the only one for me

The sun goes up, the sun comes down

This old world keeps spinnin’ ’round

I’m here travelin’ down this long and winding road

Seasons come and seasons go

They take me high, then leave me low

But I’m still standing on the only rock I know

You’re my cornerstone

Oh, no matter where I go, my cornerstone

Bible by my bedside

Sweatin’ through a long night

Wrestling the hounds of shame

Tryna turn the hands back

On a troublin’ past

Every move I make’s in vain

But even in the shifting winds

You are who you’ve always been

You’re the only rock that I could ever stand on

Through it all you remain

The sun goes up, the sun comes down

This old world keeps spinnin’ ’round

I’m here travelin’ down this long and winding road

(This winding road)

Seasons come and seasons go

They take me high, then leave me low

But I’m still standing on the only rock I know

You’re my cornerstone

Oh, no matter where I go, my cornerstone

Mr. Zach Williams

On Christ, the solid rock I’m standin’

All of the ground is sinking sand

On Christ, the solid rock I’m standin’

All of the ground is sinking sand

On Christ, the solid rock I’m standin’

Yes, oh, Lord

You’re the only one that I would build my life on

Through it all you remain

The sun goes up, the sun comes down

This old world keeps spinnin’ ’round

And I’m here travelin’ down this long and winding road

Seasons come seasons go

I’ve been high, I’ve been low

But I’m standing on the only rock I know

You’re my cornerstone

Oh, no matter where I go, my cornerstone

Oh, no matter where I go

The sun goes up and the sun comes down

And I’ll be on my rock, on this solid rock

You are the only rock I stand on